How many rewarding and fruitful experiences are we providing and fostering for our children? And how much harder is it to provide these experiences when children do things that anger us? These are important questions when it comes to evaluating the relationship we have with them.
Parenting children with behavioral issues poses quite a challenge, as it’s naturally accompanied by anxiety, feelings of discontent, and often hypervigilance. It’s both daunting and threatening to learn that your child is acting aggressively toward others, and that such behavior may be indicative of associated mental health issues, prompting the belief that all of this is a result of faulty parenting.
We humans are wired toward a “negativity bias,” where we tend to more easily dismiss the positive things we experience in favor of the negative ones. So since our brains are programmed toward focusing our attention on negative experiences as opposed to positive ones, when we observe a child doing something that is not in their best interest, our priority is to protect that child, which is inherently a good thing; but going forward, this “bias toward negativity” means it’s more likely we’ll keep our focus on the negative, rather than positive behaviors. Kids pick up on this for sure. But parents can counteract this through their awareness, an awakening of sorts, to the importance of providing and creating an atmosphere where positive relational experiences dominate as a means of strengthening our children’s emotional and behavioral foundations.
We can begin this process change by first deciding to slow down ourselves. If we’re constantly on the run, focusing on what “needs to get done,” it sends the message to our kids that other activities – regardless of their nature – are more important than they are. Thus a paradigm shift needs to occur, where we turn our attention to being more present with them, which in turn will send a more positive message. Here are a few suggestions that focus on slowing down and offering fulfilling experiences with children:
- Convey warmth and affection. Have a sit-down with your child and just focus on being present. Then, make eye contact or focus your gaze in her general direction. Focus on the importance of that moment with calm and contentment, while concentrating on your child’s goodness as a young person you love and cherish. Doing this will help you shift your attention away from being hyper-focused on the next perceived negative encounter.
- Let your child decide. All too often, parents take the lead when it comes to planning activities and outings, so instead of asking the child what she’d like to do, parents just tell them what’s on the agenda, expecting compliance. Imagine how much better your connections with your child would be if you were to let them decide? (Assuming it’s reasonable, of course). Doing things their way on occasion validates and confirms that they have good ideas about how to spend time together.
Make mealtimes resemble “Leave It to Beaver.” I’m dating myself here, but you’ve probably come across reruns of the 1950s hit television series Leave It to Beaver. Dinnertime was always portrayed as the time when family discussions took place. Doing so not only ensures that your child eats at proper times, but also allows for sharing, asking for help or advice about something, and enjoying some meaningful moments that happened during the day.- Let them move. Carve out a designated space in your home where children can simply move about. Moving help us all not to just get going, it also helps strengthen brain-body connection and coordination, particularly when moving about with others. Join in with your kids, if you’re able.
- Take a slow, steady stroll together. Whether it be a nature walk, a jaunt in the park, or a simple stroll around the block, going along slowly while allowing your and your child’s senses to take in the beauty, sounds, and smells of the environment can be utterly relaxing. Take your child’s hand and marvel together at the things you are both noticing that would have been missed had you been hurrying about. This is Mindfulness at its best!
Paying closer attention to your child’s mind-body connection, allows you to view her undesirable behaviors through a different, more positively focused lens. A child’s ability to self-regulate her emotions is a work in progress; understanding this goes a long way toward tailoring less contentious relationships when disruptive behaviors surface.
Attribution Statement:
Joe Wegmann is a licensed pharmacist & clinical social worker has presented psychopharmacology seminars to over 10,000 healthcare professionals in 46 states, and maintains an active psychotherapy practice specializing in the treatment of depression and anxiety. He is the author of Psychopharmacology: Straight Talk on Mental Health Medications, published by PESI, Inc.
To learn more about Joe’s programs, visit the Programs section of this website or contribute a question for Joe to answer in a future article: joe@thepharmatherapist.com.