I ran into a friend last week that I had first met at a Church function. We exchanged pleasantries, caught up a bit on one another’s lives and then came to “let’s get together sometime.” I haven’t called since the encounter and neither has he.

A few years back at my most recent high school reunion, I reconnected with many classmates whom I haven’t seen since our last reunion, and met up with others I hadn’t seen since high school graduation. It was wonderful to catch up with these folks, share some old war stories and reminisce about some of the antics we pulled and the consequences that often ensued for doing so. But as the evening wore down, I came away feeling that even catching up had grown old, and that realistically I wouldn’t be keeping in touch with these people, outside of the occasional chance encounter. There is nothing wrong with them or with the guy I met on the street last week. But there wasn’t anything in common at this point either – which is primarily why we haven’t stayed in touch.

An uncomfortable truth though is that many people don’t shed relationships that have long outlived their usefulness – relationships that are often toxic, weighing them down. We do need to keep important, life-long friends, but we also need to jettison counterproductive “friendships.”

unsustainable relationshipWhy then do so many people continue to cling to certain relationships when they no longer serve any viable purpose?   

  1. Loneliness. This factor has significant power for some people because being alone self-conveys a sense of feeling unwanted or insufficient when it comes to relationships. As such, they hold on to people who serve no purpose other than to fill space in their lives.
  2. They believe it’s them. This translates as “I’m the problem here and I need to keep working at this to get it right.”
  3. Complexity. The thinking here is that in relationships there are parts we like and parts we don’t, so this should be accepted. Problem is, the “parts we don’t” is taking center stage and is burdensome, yet they stay in the relationship anyway.
  4. They’re dependent on the relationship, financially; physically; emotionally. Enough said.
  5. Validation. Some people are unable to validate themselves so they cling to others who will do it for them, but the relationship serves them in no meaningful way otherwise.
  6. Fear. That is, fear of proclaiming that the relationship isn’t working because they don’t want to discomfit the person.

The point: Friends come and go, so we need not feel compelled to hold on to anyone we’ve either outgrown, just don’t want any more or are downright counterproductive.